Will I ever heal after my husband cheated?

My husband confessed finally 2 nights ago about an affair he had last year that I discovered right away. We have been rocky ever since because I didn't believe or trust him. He said he didn't love her. That I just wasn't supposed to find out. But he isn't sorry and he doesn't regret it and if he told me that he would be lying. He said she had a nice ***, and he had a sexual desire he had to fulfill. Oh and she is his first cousin. He is 34 and she is like 21 or something. I am only 28. He said he wouldn't apologize and I actually needed to apologize to him because he said he wasn't attracted to me so he deserved to do whatever. I had it coming apparently. I have guys hitting on me all the time so I don't believe I am unattractive. Plus I used to be a model in my early 20's. But that doesn't mean he didn't change his mind and finds me unattractive now. I guess everyone is entitled to their own criteria. However, I don't think I should take the blame for this. I am going to divorce him because all I see all day long is him having sex with her in my mind. I am sick to my stomach. It feels like I have a hole in my stomach that is burning. I am very sad. I can't focus not even on driving. I want to cry all the time and I don't think I have tears left anymore. We have two kids in the middle of this. I am a breastfeeding mom and he had sex with her then with me and risked my daughter catching an STD through my milk. I hate him for being so selfish. I am full of hate and anger. I think he is a monster for putting her at risk. I don't understand why he didn't love me enough to respect me and then continually lie to me even though I had found out about it (actually all the family parents, grandparents, cousins, etc. were susupicous and it all got back to me). I don't know why he doesn't love our kids enough to ruin the family. He is not apologetic and is blaming me yet he doesn't want a divorce. He thinks we could be just fine if I had let it go. I don't even want to look at him. He won't leave the house. I don't know if I should wait until I am working to file for a divorce or go ahead and do it come monday. I got home yesterday and he tried to give me a hug and a kiss and was calling me honey and I just wanted to vomit. I don't even want him to touch me. How can I get over this. Will I ever get over this. I loved him so much and thought we would always be together. I am very conflicted. I am very sad at the idea of divorce but I know I cannot be with him after this. It is disgusting. Therapy is not going to fix us I know that. And how could I stay with him when all of our friends and family know anyway and they hate him and think he is disgusting. I know I will be better off. But how can I stay strong? How can I stop thinking about this to focus on my school and my kids and my life?